This Means War
by Prosper-the-XVIII
Summary: For RebaForever15 and Liz1967. By curious quirk of fate, M falls pregnant. Can she - or James for that matter - handle it? (A bit out there, but if Q can get pregnant, then so can M. This is fanfiction we're talking about!) chapters are probably gonna be pretty short. Sorry.
1. Month 1: Realization

**Okay, another idea that came from watching far too much 'As Time Goes By'. Crazy, but who cares?**

* * *

"Your problem is you're pregnant."

"What?!" Disbelief was all over M's face, which was still pallid from her earlier bout of vomiting. Okay, when she had thrown up in her office, Tanner had made her go down to medical, but she had expected just to be told that she'd eaten something dodgy. But...pregnant? That was just…no.

"Yes. For someone of your age, it's an incredibly rare occurrence but possible as you can see here," M was still glaring daggers at the unfortunate medic who had been tasked with breaking the news to her.

"What?" She was repeating herself in shock now, staring into her lap and shaking her head.

"All I can say is I feel sorry for the poor sod who's going to have to clean up that mess in your office." Tanner's attempt at mood-lightening humour really made M hit off. She lashed out with her fist, but as Tanner stepped out of the way, she only succeeded in jarring his elbow.

"Shut up!" M thought back to what she'd spent nights doing for the past month and a bit. Or rather who she'd been doing it with. Argh! James bloody Bond.

* * *

M walked into her apartment to find James unloading Indian takeout from a couple of plastic bags onto the kitchen table.

"You took your time," he remarked. "You want a drink?"

She slumped down on the sofa, scowling. "All I really feel like is a bloody massive gin and tonic, but that isn't an option right now."

"What do you mean?"

M had pulled her shoes off by this point, her black trench coat discarded next to her. She stood up and opened her mouth to explain what she had been told earlier (and at that was still struggling to come to terms with,) her hand clamped over it, her face drained of colour and she sprinted in the direction of the bathroom after groaning hastily; "I think I'm going to be sick again!"

James grimaced as he heard her retching, yet still wondered what on earth she was talking about.

She walked back in, visibly shaky, dabbing at the corners of her mouth with a tissue.

"What was that all about? You okay?"

M nodded weakly. Then, her expression changed. "Actually, not really. Your see, James...I'm pregnant."

"You're joking!" A somewhat cheeky smile came across his face. "You dirty thing, M, who have you been seeing behind my back?"

"Stop being stupid! I'm serious. It...it's yours."


	2. Month 2: Making It Known

**This is going to be twelve chapters; one for each month that M's pregnant, then one month and after that one year once she's actually had the baby. It's also turning into a bunch of random snapshots over M's pregnancy, so if you have ideas, let me know and I will probably use them. Please.**

**RebaForever15- You're right, I don't know why people give you grief for writing a fic like this when they write Q/James/Silva/Tanner (okay, not seen this but it would be funny) mpreg all the time. The Aftermath of Quantum is brill, seriously. When you ask me to update quickly, I really do. Enjoy!**

* * *

_SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_#1. You can't just disappear off the face of the planet for a year on maternity leave and expect people not to ask questions. This means you need to tell people. Even if you don't want to. This is going to be 'fun'. :/_

* * *

Upon finding out that she was pregnant, M had come across one thing that she was going to need to do, and it would ultimately end her life with the embarrasment. She was going to have to tell people tht she was having a baby. That meant letting the world know that she'd been sleeping with James Bond (over the course of the several months that they'd been together, it had stayed surprisingly unknown to most people.) That also meant telling her four existing kids. And that was just going to be hell.

M was lying staring at the ceiling, sighing and wondering how the hell this was actually possible. She was seventy-two for god's sake. She wasn't even legally allowed to work. People her age don't get pregnant. It just doesn't happen. This had to be a world record or something. Any second, she was expecting to wake up and realize that this was just some really, really weird dream. She hadn't managed to eat anything both out of sheer shock and fear that she was going to puke again, she couldn't sleep and her mind was just fog. And how on earth was she going to be able to live down telling people?

James seemed to be able to tell what she was thinking. "If Tanner knows, you can probably just get him to come up with some kind of false explaination as to why you're absent."  
"Good idea but three flaws in your plan," M groaned, glancing at the time. How the hell was it three AM already? "One; Tanner's poker face is possibly the worst on the planet. Two; if he says that I'm in hospital for something else, then people are going to panic and stick their noses where they don't belong and that's really the only other thing that can get me off work. Three; I generally don't get off on maternity until about seven months, by which point I'll have started showing, so either way people are going to have to find out."  
"Right," James slipped his hand into hers. " We're just going to have to cross that bridge when we come to it. I must have gotten a few girls knocked up what with all of them that I've been with, but I don't know this stuff because I've never hung around for long enough to find out."  
"You leave me through this and I will not hesitate to end you."  
"You honestly see me doing that? I'm going to be there for you all the way." M couldn't help smiling as he rested his hand on her stomach. "Both of you."


	3. Month 3: Stroppy, Much?

**I've set up a poll on my page for wheter or not you want M's baby to be a boy or a girl, along with a few names under consideration, if you want to check it out. I also have made up a playlist for this story.**

**Ch. 1 - Drive By by Train  
Ch. 2 - Little Things by One Direction (the Madilyn Bailey cover is way better, look that up.)  
Ch. 3 - Trouble by P!nk**

**Now, chapter threee! **

* * *

_THE SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_#2. Mood swings can be absolutely unbearable for people around you or who have to spend copious amounts of time with you. Personally, I feel sorry for James, Moneypenny and Tanner._

* * *

"What on earth is her problem?"  
"You don't need to know, 004," James face-palmed at the young agent walking out of M's office. He had to admit, he knew that her moods were pretty hellish having been on the recieving end of most of them (he had to admit he maybe had given her an earful in retaliation once or twice) but that was still no excuse to let some kid bad mouth her for something that she couldn't help - well, sort of.  
"Yeah, but she just hit off for no reason whatsoever. Threatened to fire me and everything."  
"It's a common ocurence; she does it all the time. Now remove yourself from my line of vision before I incapacitate you."

As the youngster stalked off, muttering under his breath, tanner turned to James. "Jesus, 007, that was a bit harsh, don't you think?"  
"If M's allowed to be in a shit mood then so am I. I mean, she's been worrying herself sick and so have I. I've got no idea what on earth's going on. I think she thinks that I'm going to just pack it in and leave her at some stage and..."  
"You have a reputation," Moneypenny pointed out, not unreasonably.  
"Moneypenny, stop eavestropping."  
"I wasn't," she muttered indignantly, going back to her phone conversation.

"James, it's natural. But trust me, it only gets worse," Tanner gave him a sympathetic look. "Good luck is all I can say.

* * *

**Sorry, these are always going to be really short. My poll closes next week as in chapter 5, 6 or 7 I intend to have them finding out whether it's a boy or a girl. Hope you enjoyed, feedback is welcome!**


	4. Months 4 & 5: I Wanna Stay With You

**This is kind of like two chapters mashed into one right here. This is going to be my last update of this until Friday as that's when the poll closes. So far, it's looking as if the baby's going to be either a girl or twins (by the way, that means one girl and one boy.) I am working on a cover art for this which will be posted as soon as possible. I don't know why the image of M with a baby girl in her arms is so sweet to me, but really, I think it would be so cute. :)**

**This one will end on a pretty happy note, and I have a slight obsession with The Proclaimers and 'Let's Get Married' - blame my dad's Valentine's Day playlsit for that. (Still, face it, they're the only decent Scottish band apart from Twin Atlantic and Siena, and that's coming from a music-mad twelve year old who's exceedingly proud of her Scottish nationality and heratige.) and that comes across a bit later**

**RebaForever15- Yeah, I kind of pity Bond too at this stage.**

**Refreshingly Original That's the exact reason I had to put the poll up because I couldn't decide either. Mind you there's already three 'mini-Ms' in this (though they're all about thirty-something and ironically taller than M.) And you're right, I can so see Bond doing that :D**

**Betty.Q- I think it's pretty much just Tanner, James and Moneypenny who actually know as they have to put up with her mood swings more often than anyone else. The rest of MI6 are pretty unaware and James and M both intend for it to stay that was for as long as possible (hence James making excuses for her little strop to 004)**

**Thanks for reviewing :):):):)**

**(Oh, the 'Side Effects Of Pregnancy' notes that start each chapter are meant to be written/thought up by M from her POV)**

* * *

_THE SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_#3. Telling your three existing kids that you're pregnant at the age of 72 can be a teensy bit awkward to say the least._

* * *

"Mum, what were you wanting to talk to me about?" M's eldest daughter, Summer, pulled out a chair facing M in the coffee shop they had arranged to meet up in, Summer putting down a double espresso on the table and M cupping her hands around her mug of Earl Grey. Summer watched her mother's expression falter and at that began to panic a little.  
"Well, Summer, I won't bother trying to sugar-coat this," M sighed, swallowing and bracing herself for the thirty-six year old's reaction. "I'm pregnant."  
"You're bloody joking!" The look of stark disbelief that Summer tried to hide with a false smile and girlish laugh made M roll her eyes.\  
"No, Summer, I'm not." M's expression was stoic now.  
"I have absolutely nothing to say to you."

* * *

Summer had always been rather tempermental and prone to massive strops, so it came as absolutely no surprise to M when after Summer had stormed out, her phone buzzed with a text ten minutes later.

_'Mum, I'm sorry 4 being a moody b!tch btw. Congrats, I'm srsly happy 4 u it woz just a bit of a !. Hope ur ok and I'll b there 4 u. 3 u from Summer xxxx"_

If M actually knew what that meant, it would help, but she did get the general sense that Summer was trying to be supportive. All she had to say was that she would happily shoot whoever's brilliant idea text speak was.

* * *

_THE SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_#4. It can bring out sides to people that you never knew actually existed._

* * *

Tired, perhaps a bit sick and moody (that could be put down to being five months pregnant) but still blissfully happy, M lay across James's chest on the sofa, one hand slipped into his and the other gently cradling her slight bump. James was gently stroking her hair, the pair of them still dressed in what they had worn for work, minus shoes and in James's case tie.  
"I love you," M stared up at him through half-closed eyes as he kissed her forehead lightly.  
"Strange, this time yesterday you were screaming blue murder at me for no reason and now you're curled up on my lap like a bloody cat, declaring undying love to me," James half-laughed, but then straightened up when he noticed M's glare. "No, that kind of came out wrong. What I mean is; what I love about you and being with you is that all sorts can happen, we can say whatever the hell we want to and fall asleep back-to-back and in a mood, but by the next morning we're both still lying next to each other. Anything can happen, but better or worse we come out in one piece. And that's absolutely bloody brilliant because I love you and I want to stay with you for the rest of my bloody life, so help me." With that, James pulled her up onto her stockinged feet and began waltzing around the room with her, singing completely off-key with no regard for any actual TUNE, though still in a way that sent a shiver down M's spine.

"_Let's get married_  
_I love you and I want to stay with you_  
_Let's get married_  
_Have kids and grow old and grey with you_  
_Let's get married_  
_Hold hands, walk in the park_  
_You can get a cat as long as it barks_

_We know, other people_  
_Who drifted apart_  
_Who broke each others hearts_  
_But we ain't other people_  
_So we'll do things our way_  
_We're gonna be O.K._  
_We're gonna be more than O.K.!"_

As he and M collapsed into an exhausted heap again after gliding about madly on the parquet floor, he said to her quietly; "And the three of us really will be way more than OK..."

* * *

_Let's get married_  
_We're ready for tying the knot_  
_Let's get married_  
_Set the seal on the feelings we've got_  
_Let's get married_  
_We can make each other happy or we can make each other blue_  
_Yeah, it's just a piece of paper but it says "I Love You"_  
_For the good times_  
_For the days when we can do no wrong_  
_For the moments when we think we can't go on_  
_For the family_  
_For the lives of the children that we've planned..._


	5. Month 6: Endless Possibilities

**Well, the results for the poll are in, and they will become apparent in a minute...**

* * *

_SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_5. There's always a possibility that you'll find out that you're not having a baby...you're having two. _

* * *

"On second thoughts, are we having a boy or a girl? We're going to have to consider names at some stage soon," M asked the consultant as she sat between the skinny Asian woman and James, staring at the hazy ultrasound picture in her hands.

"Well...Both."

"What?" The response from M and James was simultaneous and exactly the same.

"You're having a boy _and _a girl - twins."

M kind of half-laughed at this, her face totally lit up as she hugged James. Okay, the fact that she was pregnant at all was a little bit of a smack in the face, albeit a pleasant one - save for times like when she had had to sprint out of a meeting with Mallory, the Foreign Secretary and the PM to vomit her guts up in the Ladies'. That had been plain humiliating - but the fact that she was having twins did explain a few things, such as how she had somehow gotten so big so quickly in the stomach department. She felt James's hand caressing the back of her head as she leaned on him, smiling and happy tears lightly slipping her eyes.

* * *

"You're right, we're going to have to consider names," James turned to M in the car on the way back from the hospital.

"Just concentrate on bloody driving, please!"

"Okay, I'll look at the road, but really, was there anything you were considering?" James turned round again, a bit surprised by M's somewhat sudden outburst.

"Andrew," she gave him a half-smile. "You know why. I hadn't really thought about girls because...well, I've got three daughters already, so it was just a feeling that it'd be another boy."

"Don't kid on, I know that Q's your son. And I've been wondering; seriously, what kind of mother inflicts the name Quinn on their child?"

"It wasn't my first choice," M stared into what of her lap she could see past her bump, a little embarrased yet laughing slightly. She always had felt a little sorry for Q - her son and current youngest child. "Really, name-wise, what have you been thinking?"

"Marion or Emma," he watched M's expression falter as he spoke. "Emma's pretty simple and it sounds like M when you shorten it. As for Marion..." Her expression was wounded now, though not in a way that he had caused. "I know it was her name, M."

M cringed a little at the memory. Yes, Marion had been her mother's name, but it still hurt to think of that day when she was twelve that she'd been pulled out of school and old that both her parents had been murdered. But she had to tell herself to get over it.

"I like it."

* * *

**So, the poll results were as follows:**

**Boy- 22%**

**Girl- 33%**

**Twins- 44%**

**Happy with that and I love the way that you guys chose for this to turn out :)**

**As for the thing with M's parents...Read my other fic _Hell Hath No Fury_ to get the full picture. What do you think?**


	6. Month 7: Shut Up and Go To Sleep

**I'm not using my standard names for characters that are referred to with initials (M, Q etc.) as my regular readers will have worked out from me calling Q 'Quinn' in the last chapter. Sorry about the little wait, I had Guide stuff and we weren't allowed anything more electrical than a torch. Thanks to that, I missed about six updates of various fab stories (especially 'Avec l'amor de Paris' (hope to god that's spelled right or my French teacher's gonna murder me) by RebaForever15. If you enjoy this, you might want to check that out too, it's a kind of three-way cross between typical yet brilliant 00M awesomeness, a Spooks crossover and a baby!fic like this one (well, in the preliminary stages of one anyway) and it is UTTER BRILLIANCE!) and three hours of 'As Time Goes By' (my current TV obsession). Annoyed. :-( Anyway, here you are!**

* * *

_SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_7. At this stage, you really begin to realize how tired you get doing just about anything, even when not doing six billion hours every week in the office._

_7 and 1/2. You try getting maternity wear anything in a size petite 8, (let alone something that I would actually wear.)_

* * *

"James, put the light off, shut up and go to sleep..." M groaned at James, who was still awake, his nose buried in some bloody espionage magazine and as if that wasn't bad enough, he was muttering every word under his breath in a monotone, making M want to choke the life out of him. The fact that she couldn't find the energy anywhere in her body to do so was all that was stopping her. She attempted to clobber him over the head with the pillow that had been tugged over her face, but he caught hold of it and did exactly what she had been intending to do to her. M glared at him, before snatching the thing and burying her face in it again. "I'm not joking. Don't push your luck."

"Sorry, Emma. Still, would you calm it?" James said in a slightly cocky manner, dropping the magazine and completely throwing caution to the wind.

"I could have you shot for that," M' temper shifted even closer to snapping than it had been before at the use of her real name. Then, as she felt a kick in her stomach, laughingly and certainly not directed at james; "Cut that out, you two!"

"Yes, but you won't," James wrapped an arm around her, M staying stoic, but softening a little as he gently ran his free hand down the curves of her body, stopping somewhere roughly near the middle of her bump. "I won't let you. I quite fancy the idea of still being alive to see my children and be there for the woman carrying them."

M rolled her eyes, smiling despite herself. "Stop being an adoreable little sod and go to sleep. You'll be like death warmed up tomorrow, but I'm just going to ay that so will I because 'I don't want to risk Tanner comitting suicide' isn't something that I can really say at the moment." M could safely say that she had near died with embarrasment the previous day; she had left the building for the final time for the next six months on maternity leave, and someone had been stupid and/or suicidal enough to put out a tannoy declaring the fact. That could possibly abbount for what looked to be most of a florist's shop all three decorating, monopolising and stinking out their living room.

"Okay, M, one last question though; mistake, design, surprise or accident, with reference to this?"

"Pleasant surprise that probably wasn't too surprising," M sighed, trying and hoping to tell him via her mind to just let her sleep or risk losing the ability to pee standing up for the next week. "I suppose I never saw it coming but I really am about the happiest I've been since Q. It's kind of one of these things that you never really thought you wanted to happen, but realize that you did when it does. Still, I suppose, great as it is that it's happened, this came about as a result of both of our stupidity; yours for not wearing protection and mine for not making you."

"Okay...I never really thought that it was nessecary. I mean, you being whatever age you are-"

"You're risking your own life," M snorted. "I still menstruate, James, even though I wouldn't be sure that it was actually possible if I wasn't me. Should you not have worked that out by now?"

"The thought never directly occurred to me, but it explains a lot. For example, why there's always tampons in the bathroom dresser, how you got pregnant in the first place, why you're even more of a moody cow than usual around the ninth of every moth." He only added this to cheekily get on her nerves.

"Shut up!"

* * *

"Mum, you do realize that you'll never get your figure back?" Summer spoke laughingly as she and M fished through rails of clothes in Debenhams, trying without any kind of considerable result to find something that would actually fit M that any self-respeting person in their right mind would actually wear.

"You think you're getting me in that then you're out of your tiny mind," M half-laughed at Summer, who was tentatively holding out some bloody magenta owl-patterned smock. "And I never had one in the first place, no thanks to you."


	7. Month 8: Sick and Tired

**I really am on a roll today! Don't know how the hell I'm supposed to survive a week at Hadrian's Wall or a month in Canada later in the year :/ There will be another update straight after this and then I'm afraid I'm going to leave you at a huge cliffhanger. Something to do with the fact that apparently I need 'dinner' and 'sleep'. **

* * *

_SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_8. By this point, sharing a body with someone (or in this case two someones) that somehow manages to drain your energy without even trying will really start to take it's toll. You (and everyone else for that matter) are getting fed up of you being such a moody so-and-so all the time and just want you to get it over and done with_.

* * *

"M, get up." M groaned as James prodded her behind the shoulder blade. Taking the hint and then choosing to ignore it completely, she turned over onto her back. "M, I'm serious. I never though I'd find this as a way of describing all five foot one of you, but you're huge, loud and you kind of comandeered most of the covers all night. You can migrate to the sofa if you want, but when thanks to you I only got about three hours of sleep, I'm not going to let you lie about there."

"You think I'm doing this just to annoy you?" She propped herself up on one elbow, getting more annoyed with him that she had any right to.

"You were up for the toilet about three times...in an hour." His point was not uncalled for, but it did annoy her a little, sheerly because he was right.

"You try sharing a body with someone who squashes all your internal organs for nine months and see if you're not installing a turnstile for the gents' loos. Bloody hell, it's still November, isn't it?"

"Yep," James face-palmed, wearing about half of a shirt and his work trousers. "Do you think that I should go and avoid you hitting the roof and all four walls like you usually do this time in the morning?"

"Go ahead," M leaned back, groaning heavily. Another month left until she was due. She wanted to say only, but four weeks could seem like eternity. She really pitied James at this stage, but she really just wanted it over and done with.


	8. Month 9: Keep Holding On

**Tonight's final chapter. I may torment you lot my forgetting to update for a while (sorry, Mondays and Tuesdays are hell due to school being a butt and various cominations of swimming, rugby and Guides.)**

* * *

_SIDE EFFECTS OF PREGNANCY_

_(last but by no means least) 9. Of course, there always needs to be that awkward moment where your waters break at the worst possible moment._

* * *

_Half Two AM, 24th of December..._

Oh, _shit_!" James awoke to hear M scream that one word before her voice tailed off into a pained groan.

"Whawazzat? What time is it?" James sleepily raised his head to find M leaning against her side of the bed, her arms braced and holding her bottom half off of the floor.

"Two-thirty," M's breath was coming in short, sharp gasps, her face contorted into a grimace and sweat dampening her silvery hair. "James-" She let out another harsh moan of pain before she could continue.

As James noticed a pool of what looked like water beneath M, thoug ominously threatened to be far more sinister, the glass bubble inside of him containing all his worries and panics concerning the woman he loved and his unborn children, Andrew and Marion, finally shattered. For the first time in his life, he felt utterly inferior; M was inches away from going into labour on their bedroom floor and he was standing doing absolutely bugger all like a bloody idiot.

"Bloody hell!" Knocking over about seven other random bits of clutter in the process, James lunged for and grabbed the phone on the nightstand, and with a shaking hand, punched in 999. "Hello, ambulance?...Yes...It's my partner...Emma Mawdsley...Yes...She's nine months pregntnt with twins, her waters just broke and she's going to end up giving birth on the floor of our room at this rate...James Bond..."

M listened to James hastily ringing off their adress. She was now lying against the bed, white in the face, sweating and in a blind panic, her pyjama trousers hauled down around her ankles just in case what would be the worst at present moment in time happened. She had to admit now, it had never seemed real; these past months had been like some kind of bizzare dream. Even now, when she could feel her child - well, children, really - struggling to get out of her, she maybe didn't quite believe that they existed. Perhaps it was because this possibility was not one that had ever quite occurred to her, but reality was now really just merged with what she thought could only be fiction. But she couldn't argue with the pain swallowing her bottom half. This was happening, and for real.

As James hung the phone up, she slipped and found herself lying down fully, her fists clencded and jaw set. She felt him clasping her hand and muttering words of encouragement into her hair - and ones that she actually wanted to hear. She thanked god that he hand't really done his reasearch on the whole 'supportive parent/partner', basically being like a big kid himself, because what men who knew these things took for encouragement was usually not in the least bit helpful. The word 'push' was possibly the last thing she wanted to hear right now. - She tried to put on a brave face, but the pain wasn't just in her stomach now. It was growing, taking over her altogether, so she simply let herself lie with her legs apart and groan the way she wanted.

"M, hand in there..." James murmured to her, scarcely able to speak himself out of fear for M, watching her face screw up in pain again. "You'll be okay. Everything's going to be okay..."

That was more to console himself than her.

* * *

***Ba da daaaaa!* RebaForever15, you were absolutely right!**


	9. Sir, You're Causing a Scene

**Okay, there will be a lot of serious cuteness in the next chapter, just to say in advance. Oh, and the line in chapter 7; 'You try sharing a body with someone who squashes all your internal organs for nine months and see if you're not installing a turnstile in the gents' loos' belongs to the brilliant LtComdrLaverneMarie just to let you know. Sorry I pinched it from 'Forever Love' (one of my personal fave fics alongside 'Avec l'amor de Paris' and the 'Sharing the Road' trilogy) but it really was absolute gold, and something |I could definitely see M saying. :)**

* * *

"Come on, darling, you're almost there."

James wished that it was him that could have been saying those words of encouragement to M rather than the midwife that he could hear speaking from where he was pacing the corridor outside of the delivery room, and not walking about back and forth like an idiot. He really was going crazy. M had been in labour for twelve hours before they had eventually had to kick him out - something about him 'causing unnecessary levels of stress' and 'could he please leave the room?' - but what did they expect? They weren't married, but he bloody loved her to bits and he'd been panicking about what could go wrong since he had been woken up by her in the apartment, so he had a perfectly good excuse to have freaked out a little.

Anyways, that had been almost a day ago. M had been in labour for twenty-nine hours now - was that even meant to be possible? - and he had been with her for less than half of that time. If ever he had felt like a total waste of space, it was now. An awful lot longer, and he would go completely mental. He could practically hear M telling him 'who said anything about you being sane in the first place?'

Mind you, he thought, it could have been worse. He had remembered being told that the easiest way of going about thing would have been c-section as giving birth manually with twins took forever and would be far more painful for her and whoever was going to have to put up with her yelling at them whilst she was giving birth. Though that would have been far quicker, the notion of her undergoing surgery made his stomach do a backflip. He was half-thankful that she had started labour whilst in the ambulance, meaning that it was too late for that by the time they had arrived at the hospital.

James was concentrating on freaking out bout M and generally crapping himself, when he heard the hasty, sharp tap of high heels against the laminate flooring, followed by what sounded rather like a rather breathless Tanner telling someone to slow down. As James looked up, he noticed that the heels belonged to Eve Moneypenny, who had been charging down the corridor with Tanner in tow. "James, how is she?"

"No idea," James shrugged, wringing his hands and wishing that whoever had put the CD that was playing in the background on would play something other than I Dreamed A Dream. "I got kicked out hours ago becuase I said something that was maybe a little stupid of me, "he cringed at the memory. "And she started swearing at me, so this midwife chicked me out on my arse."

"Yeah, if she's ilaw lot of pain, I can te M would two that," Tanner half-chuckled, still rather out of breath. "You play with fire; you get burned. M plus pregnancy hormones is more like playing with dynamite."

James couldn't help but laugh at the perfect truth behind this statement. Then, another thought hit him. "Do M's other kids know? You know, Summer, Q - Quinn or whatever the poor bugger's name is - and isn't there another two?"

Eve looked rather downhearted for a moment. "Summer was deployed to Vietnam this morning on an urgent mission. Hope - her fourth youngest, counting the twins - has caught some vomiting bug; I found her in the ladies' loo the other day barfing her guts out so she didn't think that they'd let her in to see M and the babies. I don't know where the hell June is and as for Q...009 somehow got herself stuck in amongst some kind of riot in Afghanistan so he's trying to get her out in one piece."

"Okay. Do you think-" James was cut off by the prim, enunciated voice of the same midwife who'd thrown him out of the delivery room.

"Mr Bond? Emma's doing perfectly fine, just to let you know; I could tell you were worrying. I'm sorry about earlier, but having Emma in a state of stress whilst giving birth would only make things harder for her an everyone else," James scowled in her direction, but this had little impact on her. She smiled then and said; "Would you like to come and meet your children?"


	10. Through Fire

**Sorry if I kept anyone hanging. Various combinations of rugby, swimming and picking my brother up from Cubs stopped me from updating on Thursday and I had a quiz at my old school yesterday, which I had to make cupcakes for beforehand (NOT a good idea. The scales broke, and it turns out that cakes explode when you put too much sugar in them :/)**

**RebaForever15 - Aww, thanks :) 'James Bond' and 'cute' aren't normally two words that go together, but you and I are proving that statement wrong!**

**alanna of olua - I honestly don't know. Ask James.**

**HoratiosGirl101 - Thank you :) **

**Guest - Stop pretending to be Bond, Abby. I know it's you :P And I will leave it at a cliffhanger if I bloody well want to (for purposes of getting the lady at the top of this list hyper, I do it a bit too often!)**

**- Yes, I think James will. Poor bugger. I have a few cute twin scenes planned, and a bit of James vs. Diaper action as well :P**

* * *

James walked in to find M lying, quite excusably, half-asleep. She hauled herself up on one arm when she saw him, her lips turned up in a smile despite her half-closed eyes and obvious fatigue. He really couldn't help but laugh at her looking more bedraggled than he had ever seen her in his life; both the image and the notion were totally alien. "I'm only coming in if you promise not to start yelling at me again."

"Bite your tongue," M rolled her eyes, falling forwards a bit and letting out some kind of strange combination of a sigh and nasal laugh. "To be fair, the woman who chucked you out was a veritable cow; I'm not sure she was much nicer to me than she was you."

"You're still alive then?" James pulled up the seat beside her, watching her rub her hand down her face. She snorted.

"Just barely," her hand covered her moth as she stifled a yawn. "Tea and toast then about five minutes sleep to recuperate from all that...And I've barely seen Marion or Andrew for more than a consecutive minute each; the pair of them both got taken off for some bloody examination."

"Right then," It was James's turn to yawn now; he had been up a little bit less than M (and of course hadn't just given birth,) but had been awake nonetheless and he too was utterly shattered. "Hey, I looked into name meanings; there was some book in the waiting room thingy, I've been bored out of my tree for the past seventeen hours and I needed to take my mind off of freaking out about you. Turns out that Marion means 'bitterness' which I suppose is going to fit if she's picked up your temper."

"You're not helping yourself," M half-glared at him. "I have to say though, I think the poor mite's ended up with my hair of all things," James not seeming to grasp what she meant, M continued; "I'm where Q gets it from. You can still kind of tell that it's been an absolute riot at some stage when I let it grow out enough." M ran her hand through her iron-grey pixie coif, making it stand on end like some kind of bizzare albino hedgehog.

"If you ask me, if she looks anything like you then it's going to be insufferably cute- wait, do you mind if I go out for a second? I haven't been to the toliet in about seven hours."

"Is that really something you think I wanted to know?"

* * *

James walked back in to find M properly sitting up, as opposed to in her 'the morning after the night before' pose that she had been adopting since he came in, both twins in her arms. He knew that 'cute' wasn't a word that any sane person would use to describe M with, but then again he wasn't any sane person.

"James Bond, back from the dead," M quipped, her gaze training on him. "Go and take your son before my arms fall off, please."

James sat down on the side of M's bed, not wanting to risk the seat in case he dropped Andrew. He gently picked him up, cradling the newborn in his lap and attempting to mirror M's way of holding Marion. M laughed as James's hands shifted about his son's tiny body, attempting to hold him right and seemingly failing rather miserably. "God, you remind me of my daughter Hope when Quinn was born. You're hopeless! Look, your hand has to be behind his head, then you support his body with your other arm, see?" M leaned forward, somehow managing to hold Marion in one arm and rearranging James's with the free one of her own.

"Does this get any easier?" James attempted to freeze his current position into his mind.

"Not quickly," M looked down adoringly at her daughter. James couldn't help but imagine the young girl's shock of black hair on M. "But once you've been through parenthood, you've been through fire."

James wasn't fully paying attention. His eyes were drinking in the sight of his son, who was staring up into James's face inquisitively. He knew that the youngster's pale auburn fuzz had almost definitely come from him, but as he looked down into the child's ice bule, silver-flecked eyes, he couldn't deny that they were M's...


	11. As Long As You Pay Me

**Right, there's two As Time Goes By lines; can you find them?**

* * *

2 Months later

_"Master of the house?  
Isn't worth me spit!  
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shi-" _

"Vivian, get off the table and cut that out," M stuck her head around the door from the bathroom, the edges of her sleeves wet, water splashed across her face and Andrew wrapped in a towel in her arms and screaming his head off to find her fourteen year old granddaughter and amateur actress, Vivian, standing on the coffee table, her boobs shoved up to where could only be described as her chin and random flowers in her back-combed hair, singing _Master of the House_ from _Les Miserables_ at the top of her lungs. When M had agreed to have Vivian hanging about until her mother, MI6 agent Summer and M's daughter, got back from ferrying Viv's older sister Hattie and a bunch of her friends halfway around London on some creative photography homeowork thingy, she had forgotten that Vivian was performing in an amatuer production of the opera/musical at the Old Vic the next night. And her main song just happened to contain the words 'arse', 'whore', 'shit' and 'bastard'...in one verse alone. "If you had to do this, could you not have gone for Eponine or someone? That would have been a bit less...slutty."

She and James were in the bathroom attempting to bath Marion and Andrew and get the pair ready to go to bed - a two man (well, one man and one woman) job considering that James barely knew which end the nappy went on - and Vivian and her one-woman performance weren't really helping.

"Sorry," Viv stepped down, laughing a little at the sight of her gran. She never though that she would see the new mum side of M; slightly overlong fringe pinned with a kirby grip, bathwater up to her armpits and turning round every few seconds to tell James to hold Marion's legs still or else it'd go all over the place - what 'it' was, Vivian really didn't want to know, though she had a vague feeling that the youngster had done some kind of explosive poo. "And even if I had been Eponine, all the girls have to be prostitutes anyway because we don't have any extras."

Vivian stood back up on the table, her skirt hitched up to chest level, her mouth open and belting out a verse of_ Lovely Ladies_. After that, she gave in to temptation and the thought of M getting even more narked than she already was. Throwing decency to the wind, she crouched into an increduoulsy suggestive position abouve an imaginary man below her, singing GaGa's _Government Hooker_ now.

"_Put your hands on me,_  
_John F. Kennedy..._  
_I'll make you squeal, baby..._  
_...As long as you pay me!"_

"Vivain, you-" M's feigned anger was wrought in her face, though she was secretly stifling a laugh. At that rather oppertune moment, the doorbell went. "Viv, could you get that? I'm in the sink."

Vivian walked in, her sleeve automatically flying to her nose. How the bloody hell was it possible for that much crap to come out of one child? "You're not in the sink at all."

"You know what I mean. It'll be your mum. Just go!"

* * *

"God, what the hell was she doing in here, anyway?" James stared at the chaos in the living room, most of what was on the coffee table now strewn across the floor.

"Having sex with an imaginary US president and singing a load of Lady GaGa or whatever the woman's name is rubbish," M sighed, attempting to pick a few magazines up from the floor. "Look, would it sound slutty if I said let's leave the cleaning up until morning?"

"Yes. Let's both be sluts and go to bed."

* * *

"You might not want to look in the mirror," James said as he sat up, M pulling on a dressing gown and beginning to make her way to Marion and Andrew's room.

"Why not?" M automatically flitted over to her dressing table, pulling taut the skin of her neck and nearly screaming as she noticed a love bite from the previous night. It had hardly been full-on sex, so this wasn't something that she expected to be there. She whipped round, furious. "James! Now everyone's going to know that you've been sucking my neck!"

"To be honest, given recent events, I think people are going to think that you've been sucking quite a lot more of me."


	12. Jetlag

**The As Time Goes By lines were 'You're not in the sink at all' and the 'let's both be sluts and go to bed' conversation.**

**This is now random snapshots of M and James's new life as a family, and won't all be in chronological order. Sorry abou that. If you have any ideas of future chapters, please let me know. What you can expect in the near future includes;**

*** James gets injured in the field and M takes the kids (now aged three) to see him in hospital (includes a short run-in/conversationm with 2 OCs, nurse/paramedic Gill Anderson and general moody cow who works in the hospital called Bryonie Hart.)  
*The twins' first day at school.  
* That thing at school where you have to take your dad to school and make him do a talk about his job.  
* Vivian is left looking after the twins (aged four this time) and makes the mistake of accidentally on purpose showing them Les Miserables.  
* James ends up looking after the kids when M is ill.**

**And this and the next chapters; The new Bond family have just returned from a holiday, but rather innapropriately placed chaos results in James having to sit about in A&E with two sleep-deprived toddlers for hours on end when M slips down the stairs thanks to said innapropriately-placed chaos.**

* * *

"Are you still under the impression that an all-night flight back from Paris was a good idea?" James asked through a yawn, the question directed at M, running is hand through his unwashed hair as he walked through from him and M's room to find Marion and Andrew sitting side by side in high chairs by the kitchen table, the latter having just dumped a tub of yoghurt over his twin's black curls. "God, Andy, you haven't?" The two-year-old gave a toothy grin, nodding frantically as Marion blew a raspberry in his face.

"If I could have booked an earlier flight, I would have. And I'm still not talking to you," M turned round from the worktop, pointing a little angriliy to the bruise-like mark on her jaw line. In all honesty, he hadn't realized that she was there. "Can you not find the happy medium between kissing me and sucking my face? And would you _please_ take that t-shirt off?" M glowered at James's somewhat innapropriate shirt; it was one of those ones that was meant to be funny, the one in question reading 'Rules of Sex: If it fits - brilliant. If it doesn't - Goddammit, make it fit!'

"Sorry Your Highness." James noticed her still-hostile expression. "You can throw something at me if you like."

"That's not a wise thing to say to a woman with eggs in one hand and a frying pan in the other."

"Right," he got behind her, stroking her wrsits and deeply breathing in the smell of her hair. He had to admit that they were all shattered following a recent trip to Disneyland which they had returned from at three AM. The kids marvelling at Mickey Mouse and co. had been cute, but they had thwarted M and James's plan for a few days in Paris sightseeing and general romance and if James had been forced to listen to It's A Small World again then he would have quite literally shot himself. "I'll sort that, you go and have a shower."

"Oh, I smell now?"

"No, I mean you deserve a break. I'll get breakfast sorted and clean this one up," he gestured to Marion, who had now fashioned the yoghurt all over her head into a facial. M smiled and walked out. It was only when M was most of the way up the stairs that he remembered the rather stupid place where he had abandoned the twins' suitcase-type thingies. "Oh, watch out for the-"

CRASH!

* * *

"M? M!" James ran into the stairwell, Andrew on his hip and yoghurt-coated Marion half-walking, half-bum shuffling in tow. He gasped when he noticed her crumpled at the bottom of the stairs. "Are you okay?!"

"Rather stupid question if you ask me," she groaned, raising her head. James noticed that she'd chipped a front tooth quite badly and had blood in her mouth. "I think I'm fine. My wrist hurts, but that's it." She stood up and dusted herself down one-armed, her other clasped to her chest.

"Hey, let's have a noose," James took hold of her arm, noticing her flinch. Andrew and marion both clamoured for M's attention, but james quelled the pair with a simple look. "God, that shouldn't have bruised so quickly."

"I'm fine," she brushed him off, retreating into herself.

"Nope, not fine. Car. Now."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	13. Gay Snogging and Special Shopping

**A/N- yes, I know there's no such thing as an all night flight from Paris to London; what was meant by that was the kind of delays-hours sitting about-arrive home at stupid o'clock in the morning fiasco that seems to occur whenever I set foot in an airport. And I just thought that 'Jetlag' was an appropriate and somewhat humorous chapter name. Just thought I should make that clear. And I am not homophobic at all; that was meant to be perhaps how James would react to the event that follows. Imagine Glee's Kurt and Blaine for the couple in this.**

* * *

"How am I the only one out of all of us that's still in the least bit composed when I'm the one that just nearly killed herself?" M sat in the front passenger side of her black Mercedes that was currently serving as the family car as James wouldn't let her or the kids so much as tough his precious Aston as James, still dressed in pyjama bottoms and a black waterproof thrown on in a panic, tried and failed rather miserably to strap a still yoghurt-coated Marion into her car seat, Andrew screaming blue murder next to her. M herself was no more presentable in a cream silk nightie that barely grazed her knees, black trench coat and high-heeled lilac slippers. She rolled her eyes and investigated her chipped tooth in the car mirror, noticing that her white-gold wedding hand had swollen onto her badly bruised ring finger. Her wrist and hand really were beginning to hurt now, but she ignored that. "James, hold her still for God's sake!"

* * *

"Marion, this is getting stupid. Hold still!" James was sat about in A&E waiting around for M two hours after they had arrived at the hospital (M had actually only been taken for X-rays ten minutes ago,) and attempting to clean the yoghurt off of Marion's face and hair with a wet wipe, ignoring the somewhat awkward looks he was getting regarding his current dress choice and attempting to avert his gaze from the couple in the corner that were what could only be described as a pair of trousers away from having sex, the boy of the twosporting an inch-long gash on his forehead. Wait, they weren't both...the homophobic part of James cringed when he realized that the pair were both male.

Andrew was on the seat next to him, taking photos of the ceiling with James's phone and screaming with childish high-pitched giggles all the while, dressed in a onesie made to look like a Buzz Lightyear suit. Marion on the other hand was scowling up at her father as he accidentally prodded her in the nose, her black frizz tied in little stick-out bunches and wearing a pale blue Tinkerbell nightie. On deciding that she was reasonably clean, James deposited her on the seat next to him, though the infant immediately scrambled up onto his lap again, her backside sticking out comically and showing her nappy to everyone to that side of her.

"Daddy? It smells funny here. Me want go home!"

"Well, Marion, we can't. We have to wait for Mummy." James rolled his eyes. At two years old, Marion was already decisive, pushy and yet insufferably cute; what could only be described as a Mini-M. "Andy, mate, you're wasting the memory. Give Daddy his phone, please." The auburn two-year-old clasped it to his chest, pouting.

"Is Mummy okay?" Her dark blue eyes stared up at him, enormous and soft. James sighed through his nose, noticing that the next thing he said was going to have to be translated into toddler language.

"Yes, honey, she will be. She had a nasty fall so she's got a sore arm and a sore mouth. She's going to have to have a special protective shell on her arm so she doesn't hurt it any more than she has already and you're going to have to be especially kind and gentle to her until she gets better, okay?" Putting important points across to small children who only ever listened to half of a sentence anyway was nearly physically painful. Marion nuzzled into his chest, yawning and sneezing rather like a baby cat would.

"Poor Mummy," she snuffled sleepily, resting her head on his chest.

"Yes, poor Mummy," James nodded, smiling at her cuteness. As he heard his rather distinctive ringtone, breaking apart the snogging gays in the corner, he attempted to grab his phone off of Andrew.

"No!" Andrew pulled it away from James again, blowing a raspberry and sticking his tonuge out.

"Oh yes, matie. Do you really want me to have to tickle you?" James really didn't want to resort to that. Andrew had a pathetic lack of bladder control and had insisted on wearing his 'Big Boy' pants. The kid peeing all over the shop was the last thing he needed at present moment in time. At this however, Andrew handed it over in an instant. Marion shimmied onto his seat and the two sat babbling contently in what could only be described as twin language, laughing at every second random syllable that either they or their sibling said.

James scanned over the screen with his eyes, reading the text from M.

_'Are the kids behaving? Broken two fingers and cracked something in my wrist. Don't know what. Bloody enormous plaster cast. Going to be stuck with Spock fingers for next seven weeks :-/ Had to cut old wedding band off; finger swelled and couldn't get it off. Please book dentist appointment to get tooth fixed. Soon as possibe if you don't mind. They think that love bite's a bruise. Geting taken for jaw X-rays. Will be another two hours. Sorry. Love you xx'_

James smiled. Two hours was long enough to do what he intended to. He picked up a twin in each arm and went to leave.

"Daddy, where we going?" The pair asked simultaneously. James smiled all the more at this.

"We've got to go and get something special for Mummy."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	14. Proposls and Mouldy Bananas

**Sorry for forgetting to update! Yes, RebaForeve15, I am still alive aand reasonably intact (I maimed one of my nails earlier, but that's it)**

* * *

"Don't laugh," M scowled slightly as she stepped into the passenger side of the car. Her lip was a bit swollen and her forearm, most of her hand and her ring and pinkie fingers of her left hand in plaster, the entire thing supported with a foam sling to compliment the 'look'.

"I'm trying not to. How are you?"

"Sore. That really was absolute murder; I was being treated like a senile old fool just because I'm over sixty. And how this happened really was nothing to do with me being older and therefor slightly fragile. I've got some kind of bone quirk in my wrist from when I broke it when I was twelve, so it cracks quite easily, you see. I stuck my hands out to save myself and landed awkwardly; it was a stupid mistake which I could have avoided. And I suppose that it would have been quite a bit less awkward if we'd bothered to get dressed." M looked behind her. "Oh, hello darlings." Marion and Andrew both started playing up for her attention as James started the car.

"Put your seatbelt on; the last thing either of us need right now is you having another accident. Things weren't much better for us either. There was a couple of gays practically shagging each other in the corner and then the twins started playing up, so I decided to go and pick up some shopping. Not a good idea, considering what I'm wearing at the moment," James laughed, turning to look at M. "You know, you really do look ridiculous."

She aimed a slap at him. "Shut up! And as far as I'm aware there's nothing else in this car other than you, me, the kids and that mouldy banana in the glove box that you keep saying that you're going to put in the bin."

James smirked, before swearing at a guy in a Ford Fiesta sailing through a red light. M elbowed him as Andrew repeated it several times at the top of his lungs. His thoughts focused on how M was going to react to what he had actually gone out for were so exciting that he could barely restrain himself. "Not that kind of shopping. Look, Andy, that's a bad word, shut up!"

* * *

James and M were lying curled on the sofa, the kids only just in bed, though Andrew was still sleepily murmuring the curse that james had shouted in the car every few minutes. James's hand ran over the plaster covering M's hand.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"It's a broken wrist, James; we both know I've survived worse."

"Last time I checked it was just cracked."

"Well, apparently it's a hairline fracture now. All I really want riht now is a shower, but I'm not allowed to get this thing wet," M held up her injured arm. "You know, I think this must be some kind of personal best; thre years with me, you being the complete fly-by-night that you are. You know that three years yesterday was when I found out that I was pregnant?"

"Well," James smiled, digging something from his trouser pocket. His grin really was ear-to-ear. "I think I have the perfect thing to commemorate the occasion." He flicked open the black velvet box in his hand. "M, I have to say I love you to bits and this is the only way of saying it." M looked as if she was going to start crying as she looked at the black diamond, pearl and white gold engagament ring in the box. "Emma Jacqueline Mawdsley, will you marry me?"

M hugged him with her one functioning arm, her body shaking with delighted sobs. "Yes...Yes, James...I love you so much..."

* * *

**That's this little section of the story finished; the next bit will just be one chapter and I may do one about the wedding if you behave. Hope you liked the way that ended :)**


	15. Déjà Vu

A/N- sorry for another injury-centred chapter. This might turn into another multi-chapter section of the story.

* * *

M stared at her headset lying discarded on the table, willing it to give he some kind of assurance that James was still intact. Well, in a vague sense of the word. Alive would probably suffice. Sucking her teeth in slight despair, M turned to the window, the fact that she knew so little about James and/or his current location tearing her apart from the inside. A glance to her watch told her that she would have to go and get Andrew and Marion from their childminder's in about ten minutes.

She looked to the light snow falling outside, and then remembered that it was Christmas and the twins' birthday in four days. All she had to say was she hoped to God that James was okay, because she had long been dreading the possible scenario in which she would have to explain to the youngsters that Daddy wasn't going to be home for this, or any other birthday. She toyed with he engagement ring, which though she had been engaged for three months, se had only been able to wear for one, as when James had proposed, she had the same day fallen down the stairs and broken, among other things, her ring finger. She was supposed to be getting married as soon as the twins turned three as well. James, she mouthed silently, James, where are you?

Her thoughts were smashed by Tanner running in. 'Ma'am," he had a phone in his hand and M's second eldest daughter/mission controller June behind him. "007's alive. He's being flown back to the UK via air ambulance right now."

M was to start with relieved, but when she realised why the last thing he had said had been, she stopped, panicked again. "What's happened to him?"

"Well, him and his partner, 001, were both caught up in a hotel suite by a couple of thugs with machetes or something. 001 got cut up a bit, but she's been stitched up and she's reasonably intact."

"What about Bond?" M cut Tanner off before she could get to that bit.

"Well, he managed to escape relatively unscathed from that. But after he called an medical evac team for 001 and went back out onto the street, he was hit by a car. By his standards, nothing too major; broken a few bones in his right leg and a bit of a grazed face, but he'll live."

"Thank BLOODY god!"

* * *

"Mummy, where are we going?"

"To see Daddy," M said simply, her knuckles white against the steering wheel of the car and the twins restless and hyper in the back seat.

"Where?" Marion gave her that inquisitive look she always had on her face. M looked behind her, narrowly avoiding swerving madly, to find Andrew semi-handing out of the window rather like a dog.

"Andy, that isn't safe, sit properly. We've got to go and see Daddy at the hospital."

"Why?"

"We just do. He was working and something bad happened."

"Is he okay?" M was getting rather irritated with Marion by now, but it was then she realised what things must have been like when she had been an agent and her husband alive. Over time, her kids whom she had had with him had adjusted to the weird routine that their lives had ran in; predominantly their father looked after them whilst she was in the field, she would return bruised, battered and more often than not sporting a stitched-up bullet wound swathed in bandages or a leg in plaster and would tend to lie about half-dead for periods of time ranging from the next fortnight to the best part of three months. Looked like now James was a bigger part of her life and the tables were turned, it was going to be much the same now, only for her.

"No, he's not okay, but he'll get better. You'll just need to be gentle for a little while."

"Mummy?" That was Andrew this time. "I need a wee!"

"Not again, surely?!"

TO BE CONTINUED...


	16. Run-In

** , I would be more than happy for you to use Evelyn as M's name in your fics. Of Immortal Time is amazing by the way :)**

**(AssassinEA you know this is for you. It won't let me use your FF user for some reason :()**

* * *

"Excuse me, where'd ya think you're going?" M stopped, scowling, a whining Marion on her hip and Andrew trailing behind her, her hand firmly wrapped around his wrist, as a rather curvy twenty-something woman tapped her on the shoulder just as she was about to enter James's room.

"Where the bloody hell do you think?" M whipped round, nearly dropping Marion in the process. She snorted, thinking that some people must be too stupid to be allowed to live.

"I'm sorry an' all that, love, but if ya want t' take the kiddies int' see their dad unless their mum takes 'em," she stooped, talking to Andrew now. "Sorry, honey, Granny can't take you to see Daddy right now. Y'll have t' come back another day with Mummy, 'k?"

"This is Mummy," Andrew stuck his bottom lip out defiantly, hugging M's leg. Marion nodded madly in agreement, her black curls bobbing about madly.

"You know he's right!" M snapped, gritting her teeth in an almost futile attempt not to slap the woman. "Just because I-"

"Bryonie," M heard a sharp tap of heels behind them, then turned round and noticed another lady behind them. She was in her early thirties, and M was almost sure that she knew her from somewhere, though couldn't place a name to the messy layered hair and Scottish accent. "What are you doing?"

"I'm right in thinkin' that if young children are let int' visits unless accompanied by a parent, right?"

"You may well be, but I'm telling you that I'm their bloody mother!" M was seriously losing her temper now.

"Yeah, and I'm the Queen of China," Bryonie snorted, though the older woman quelled her with a look.

"Bryonie, let me deal with this. Now shut up and get out of my sight."

"Yes, Gill..." The younger and somewhat bitchy woman walked off as M leaned against the wall, the kids now charging about pretending to be planes, trains, ninjas, Power Rangers and goodness knows what else. Gill turned to M, grimacing sympathetically.

"Sorry about all that. Bryonie's a bit of a pain in the arse at times," Gill looked M in the face. "Hello, Emma."

The tone; the way that M's name rolled off of the woman's lips was familiar, and that was when it hit M. "I never thought that I'd see you again. So that's why you believed me." M laughed a little; she couldn't believe that she hasn't recognised Gill when the woman had helped deliver the twins.

"I was surprised to see you, actually. I take it you're here to see this pair's daddy, right?"

"Yes, James. And I'm meant to be getting married in a fortnight as well," M sighed, expertly catching hold of a twin with each arm. "Zip it, you two."

Gill was investigating M's engagement ring by now. "Oh, that's gorgeous! I suppose that these things have to happen at the worst moments, don't they? He's been conscious since he arrived - unfortunate for everyone, or so I hear - so he should be okay to see you lot. I'm really sorry for earlier by the way. If I haven't said already, Bryonie's a total cow."

* * *

"You haven't got any Scotch on you by any chance? Only I think that the bloody orange juice has battery acid in it," M rolled her eyes at the obscene first remark from James as she and the kids walked in, Andrew seemingly trying to climb on top of his sister. "On the subject; save your batteries you two. You pair charge about like a pair of nuts and it'll only end in tears, probably your mum's." In typical fashion, the kids ignored him completely.

James was lying semi-flat, a somewhat bloodied dressing over his forehead and right leg in a cast up to just over his knee and in traction. M sat down by his bedside, smiling faintly and running her hand through his hair, her own growing out of her trademark pixie coif and flicking madly in all directions despite her best efforts at pinning a few madder locks from her face.

"Christ I need a haircut. Anyway, how are you? If you don't mind me stating the obvious, you look like shit."

"Thank you, it's always nice to know I have your sympathy. Didn't feel too great when I was getting lumped about like a corpse, but it's just tolerable agony right now."

"Yes, you on the other hand are admirably careful when it comes to moving the walking wounded. Rennes, 1988; you were sent out to rescue me whilst I was on a mission. I'd been tortured, my leg was broken and by the time I'd gotten to a hospital, my foot had twisted 360°, and apparently half of that damage was caused by you manhandling me."

"That was you? I thought that woman's name was Evelyn."

"And that was my name. Was. I always hated it; I had the opportunity to change it when I was promoted, Emma was simple and it would be easy to adjust to because it sounds so like M. I said it was my real name; I said nothing about it ever being the one I was born with."

"True," James was cut off by both twins clambering onto M's legs and in turn onto James's bed. "Aya! Easy, you pair, that hurt!"

That came out in a pained torrent as Marion crash-landed on his chest. M had managed to catch hold of the more boisterous Andrew before he could follow suit, fortunately for James. The almost-three year old looked at the floor apologetically. "Sorry, Daddy..."

M scooped Marion up, fretting slightly for the sake of her fiancé. When he had convinced her that he was okay, she sighed and said; "Marie, I said in the car that Daddy would be a bit sore for a while, you have to be careful." To James now. "By the way, your son worked out how to climb the stair gate yesterday."

James laughed slightly. "Boys will be boys."

"Apparently so will grown men sometimes."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	17. Nowadays & Lovely Ladies

**Okay, this one might not feature James personally - just a lot of M, Andrew and Marion cute fuzzies...and a bit more Vivian and her bloody musicals - but he'll be in the next one, I promise. liz1967, you sort of requested a situation in which James has to explain 'the birds and the bees' to Andy; it'll be in the next chapter. Enjoy this one for the time being!**

* * *

It was never really until you had gotten used to something and then had to go without it for any length of time, no matter how long or short, did you notice how much it meant to you. M contemplated that now, lying alone and awake in bed. Despite the fact that he had been on a mission four months prior to the sheer ignorance that had resulted in the accident that could be accounted for his current state, knowing that he was almost within her reach was painful in itself. It wasn't quite angst or longing, so much as just missing him.

M's thoughts were shattered as a couple of almost-three year olds crash-landed on her chest, knocking the wind out of her. "Guys," she spoke sleepily, looking up to find Andrew and Marion now mock-wrestling each other. "You were meant to be asleep two hours ago!"

"Couldn't," Andrew shrugged, looking up at her with his innocent, ice-blue eyes and nuzzling into her chest. Marion was curled up at M's feet like a rather overlarge cat, yawning and rubbing at her eyes.

"Andy, you didn't wake her up, did you?"

"No."

"Yes," Marion slurred indignantly. M rolled her eyes. "You miss Daddy, don't you?"

"Yes, a bit," M smiled. This girl could read her bloody thoughts. "Look, now you two are here, you might as well stay put."

M did wake up with absolutely no feeling in her right arm whatsoever, owing to the fact that Andrew had fallen asleep on top of it, but the presence of the kids had made the enitre night far more bearable.

* * *

_"Damned if I live in the debt of a thief,  
Damned if I yield at the end of the chase,  
I am the law and the law is not mocked,  
I'll spit his pity right back in his face,  
There is nothing on earth that we share!  
It is either Valjean or Javert!"_

"Vivian, really?" M walked in from work after a day of Vivian looking after the twins. The level of carnage was thankfully unnaturally low, though Andrew was lying spreadeagled on the floor as if dead, Marion was prancing about with makeup smeared across her face and a fake rose sticking out of her black curls and Vivian, being Vivian, was on the table, singing as per usual. She had for once had the forethought to take her shoes off, which was perhaps a good thing as she was stood on the dining table this time. "Andrew, what are you doing?"

"Gavroche," the youngster responded simply, looking up briefly and then going back to being a corpse.

"Good God, Viv, you didn't?!" It was certainly just like her mental granddaughter to show a couple of toddlers _Les Miserables_.

"No," Vivian climbed down from the table, slipping over onto her backside in the process. "We're doing this thing at school; a kind of drama club thingy. We're seeing how many musicals we can murder in an hour. So far we've got me and my friend Jaydenne doing _Javert's Suicide, Epilogue, Do You Hear The People Sing? _and_ A Little Fall of Rain _a couple of other girls doing _Mr Cellophane, I Know A Girl_ and _Nowadays_ from _Chicago!, _another two on_ For Good _out of _Wicked_, _You Can't Stop the Beat _from _Hairspray, _and then three on _The Worst Thing I Could Do, Beauty School Dropout_ and _We Go Together_ from Grease. Then we're all doing sololiquies as the various characters that perform them. We've only got five at the moment, but we're working on it and the monologues take up about half of it."

"As far as I know, you're going on about your favourite episode of Spongebob Squarepants in Bengali," M said flatly. "Explain this then," she gestured to a stillsprawled Andrew and heavily made up Marion.

"Em, yeah, about that...I showed them a couple of clips on YouTube to show them what I was doing because I really had to rehearse; he's been doing that for the past hour and Marion went into your room, came back and was covered in that." Vivian cringed.

"A word of advice; never have kids or a dog, because after this I wouldn't trust you with so much as a dead goldfish...no, with a bloody pair of scissors!"


	18. Love You, Mean It

A few weeks following his...accident, and James was finally back at home, though being confined to such a small space and denied his basic necessities such as Scotch and 24/7 access to his kids and whatever part of M he felt like kissing at that present moment had made him miserable as sin and put him in a hell of a mood. Today was perhaps no different; M walked in considerably late than usual following a shitty day in the office, James lying across the sofa with his plastered leg propped on a cushion and the kids nowhere to be seen. M abandoned most of her things, throwing her ankle-length fawn trench coat over a chair, dumping her various bags and folders on the table and kicking off her black stilettos, leaving them discarded in the middle of the floor before slumping by James's side. Sighing, she leaned back, James leaning his head across her lap. She ran her hand through his hair, her face like thunder.

"What's up with your face?" James snorted slightly, catching hold of her hand and kissing it, much to M's amusement.

"Some bloody Q Branch intern called me a moody cow or something earlier. It shouldn't annoy me, but...Look, I've got two young children, you and bloody MI6 to deal with, plus this has happened and I've got to sort out the wedding, so I think I'm entitled to my moments." M sighed at this, sliding down the pale leather even more. "It pisses me off sometimes that people at work think that they know everything about the Evil Queen of Numbers, so I'm not allowed to be M the person with her own personality. I don't think even I know me sometimes..."

"Well, I know you. Your name is Emma Jacqueline Mawdsley, soon to be Bond. You're 70 years old. But there's more. I know that you were married in New York, that in the process you and your ex managed to get completely sloshed and as a result you have a verse of Ulysses tattooed between your shoulder blades. I know that you were an agent until you were fifty and the reason you use up an absolute shit lot of concealer is because you were tortured and there's a load of scars on your arms that only about four people even know about. I know you're an MBE. I know that you look sexy as hell minus the suit. I know that you always sing Dark Paradise in the shower and that you've been graced with the voice of a bloody angel. I know that you're an amazing mother and more than I could possibly be worth."

"Oh, women love it when you say that, it's a powerful aphrodisiac," M drawled sarcastically. "You pathetic little sod, I love you more than I can possibly say and nothing could ever change that." She leaned forwards, kissing his lips heavily. The only reason she broke off at all was when she remembered Andrew and Marion.

"Where the hell are the kids?"

"In the bath."

M stood up, James lying back down on his sickbed. "You did make sure that Marion didn't have access to conditioner, didn't you? She uses far too much and it makes the bottom of the bath all slippy. I swear to god I almost broke my neck last time I stepped in there."

James gestured to his bottom half. "I can barely walk, you think that what Marion puts in her hair was really my top priority?"

"You're right, I forgot you were temporarily an invalid. Stay there."

"You think I have much choice in the matter?"


	19. Unplanned

"Oh, shit!" M cursed violently under her breath as she sifted through the post, almost ripping everything else in half when she noticed what had made her swear in the first place. She was dressed for the day already, and despite being twenty minutes late for work and counting, she still looked as if she'd been dragged through a hedge backwards, yesterday's makeup smeared across her face and iron grey pixie coiffure dishevelled and sticking out in all directions.

"What?" James asked her through a mouthful of toast, him and the twins still wearing pyjamas and sitting at the table, Marion and Andrew eating Cheerios straight out of the packet and managing to spread them the length and breadth of the floor in the process. "No-one's died, have they?" M snorted, her thoughts thing up into a bunch and making her almost pass out with shock and annoyance.

"If only. It's this; from my sister."

"You have a sister?!" James was somewhat gobsmacked at the notion of M having a sister, and at the fact that he had never known about her.

"Yes. She's older by ten years and I don't think I've seen her in eight; the last time was at Matthew's funeral."

"Your ex husband?" M nodded sadly. "What's her name? Y'know, your sister?"

"Josephine," M said through a sigh, curling her lip and raising a contemptuous eyebrow. "Honestly, I can't stand her. Around other people - well, really around anyone who isn't me - she acts so bloody chaste and virtuous it's nauseating but in private, she's the most self-righteous bitch you'll ever meet. And the way we acts like she's above everyone, it's just...argh!"

"I take it this is your breed of 'sisterly love' then?"

"Christ, it's more like sisterly hatred most of the time. She's just a total cow sometimes, and the fact that out of the pair of us she got the looks as well..." M folded her arms, looking rather sullen as James skim-read the letter that M had handed him.

"I doubt it's actually possible for anyone to look better than you," James said tactfully, beaming at M. He got an almost-smile in return.

"Stop sucking up James. Half the time you wouldn't be able to tell we're from the same gene pool. She's about five foot eight, red hair, green eyes and built like a rake. And then there's me; a bloody midget with white hair who's covered in scars and goes in and out in all the wrong places." Sadness was veiling her eyes now as she stared at the floor, letting one or two self-conscious tears fall. Marion seemed to pick up on this relatively quickly, Andrew still making a complete god awful mess with his breakfast and ignoring everything else completely.

"Mummy, why are you crying?"

"It's nothing darling," M composed herself. "James, what does she want?"

"First of all, you look bloody stunning no matter what. I have to say your hair is absolutely gorgeous, and I swear to god I will kill you if you so much as think about going blonde for our wedding like you said you were going to. You look perfect the way you are, and to be fair, for someone who's had six kids, you're pretty slim as well. So stop going on about that. And what she wants is...well, first up she called you Evelyn so I suppose you two really haven't talked in ages. She said she'd be in London for a few days and that she was going to drop in on...SHIT! That's today!"

"Oh god! See, I told you the bloody woman thinks she's some kind of god! Well I'm telling you this, I'm not putting my life on hold for-"

That was when M heard the doorbell go off.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	20. I Don't Like Your Attitude

A/N- Rebaforever15, Josephine is definitely more like Penny than Dame Maggie, as you will see in a moment...

* * *

"How the bloody hell, may I ask, are you still alive?" The snide and somewhat overly sarcastic first remark from her younger sister was exactly the sort of thing that Josephine would expect from M, or Evelyn as she was to her. The younger woman was showing herself off in her typical way as per usual; she was wearing a tailored, tight-fitting charcoal grey suit with a blouse just open to her cleavage, adding to her rather disappointing stature with four-inch velvet stilettos, her white pixie haircut flicking out all over the place but still looking effortlessly chic. Noticing that Evelyn was clearly showing no intention of moving, Josephine shouldered past (well, technically upper-armed past as Evelyn was probably just below her shoulder height) and allowed herself in, ignoring Evelyn's permanently curled lip and folded arms.

"Well, it was nice of you to turn up without us having any prior knowledge whatsoever," Evelyn's prim central London accent rung in Josephine's ears; for some reason, the tone and pitch of Evelyn's voice had always annoyed her no end, so she wasn't paying much attention to what she had actually said. "Josie?"

"Oh, my apologies. I did tell you I was coming, I send the letter two days ago. Surely you got it before now? And don't call me Josie, dear. Wait, who's we?"

"I'll stop calling you Josie when you stop calling me dear and acting like my mother," Evelyn muttered bitterly, the pair of them still standing in the hallway. "I got the letter all of five minutes ago; you should have phoned. And 'we' is-"

At that incredulously opportune moment, James, still clad in his pyjamas, hobbled through. "Er, M, you don't know where-"

"Evelyn, explain please," Josephine contemptuously raised an eyebrow as James stood looking rather a fool hanging on the doorframe.

"Okay, first of all this has been explained; my name's Emma, not Evelyn so if you must call me anything then it's that. Secondly, Josephine, this is James, my-" M was cut off at that.

"But is that not almost betraying Matthew? I mean, all those years he was with you and you fling yourself at what is clearly the first man who comes nearyou the moment he's gone!" Josephine looked good and ready to explode.

"No, I'm afraid you've grasped the wrong end of the stick. Matthew had been out of the picture for five years before M- Evelyn started seeing me. I'm James," James offered a hand, for once deciding to try and be tactful - and after what Josie had fired at him, this surprised M no end - but Josephine ignored him totally.

"Josie, please! I'm sure Matthew would have wanted me to be happy, not do your thing and not leave the house for a bloody year!" M snorted slightly when she remembered Josephine's style of mourning; she had even point-blank refused to go to her late husband, Stephen's funeral she had taken it so badly.

To be fair, James did think that this Josephine character looked a bit gaga. If her dress sense was anything to go on, she was as OTT as she seemed; she was wearing one of those wedding hats that looked like miniature fireworks pinned into her greying auburn perm, and the rest of her clad in a floor-length flowered skirt, white sleeveless shirt, pashmina and a rather unattractive bolero which looked, if anything, like half of a suit jacket. He also wasn't taking too kindly to what she was saying to and about M. He wasn't mad keen on being described as 'what is clearly the first man who came near' M. This woman was clearly looking for a slap, and if she kept going the way she was, he was seriously considering giving one to her. The last thing they needed right now was...

"Mummy!" Andrew and Marion came charging onto the scene, the former latching himself around M's legs and Marion staring inquisitively up at Josephine.

"Mummy, who's that?"

"I'll explain in a minute, darling," M said somewhat stiltedly as she attempted to prise Andrew off of her. "Josephine, what I didn't get a chance to explain was that James and I are engaged; this isn't just some stupid fling like you think it is. And-"

Josephine seemed to have softened at this. "Oh, well congratulations, Evelyn—er, Emma. And I take it you've adopted, how lovely!"

"Em, no." M looked rather awkward at this.

"So you don't mean that-"

"Yes, Josie, they're my own kids."

"Kitchen. NOW."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	21. In My Life

"Evelyn, that isn't supposed to be bloody possible! How the hell did you...and you weren't even bloody MARRIED!"

"Josephine, shut up!" M hissed through her teeth in a vague hope that James wouldn't hear. Josephine, on the other hand would easily earn them noise complaints... from people in Sweden. "Look, how it happened; it's called menopause and it just hasn't happened to me yet...well, it hadn't until about last year. The kids are called Andrew and Marion, they're three-year-old twins and were by no means an accident or a result of a stupid fling as I think you think."

Josephine scowled on, M standing her ground with her arms folded and usual stoic expression on her face. "But, Evelyn, if you HAD to have another relationship, could it not have been with someone...erm, closer to your age?"

"Josie, look," M sighed, not looking forward to what she would have to say next. "James saved my life. On a few occasions, actually. There was a sort of... incident with someone I used to know and I nearly died. If he hadn't done what he did, I wouldn't be here."

"God, you're not still a bloody MI6 agent, are you?"

"No; James is and I was promoted to the chief position a few years after..." M tugged up her jacket sleeve a little and traced one of the three-inch scars that etched most available areas of her arms.

"Yes, but you're an older mum, you won't be around forever. I don't think that's fair on the kids. If mum were here, she'd-"

"Well mum isn't here!" M was forcing down tears which she felt nipping her eyes. "She hasn't been since I was twelve and you were twenty-two and we were both at her funeral so I doubt she'll ever be coming back! Look, Josephine, as much as you've liked to think you are since she died, you aren't my mother! I've been capable of running my own life since then and I don't need you shoving your nose in now!"

"Evelyn-"

"Shut up! Just shut up and go, okay? It's my life, I can do whatever the bloody hell I want with it, and if I want to have kids at the age of seventy and get married to someone thirty years my junior, then you try and bloody stop me!" M was screaming now, tears of fury streaming down her face and fists lashing out at her older sister, Josephine however miraculously stepping out of the way each time. Eventually, Josephine managed to catch hold of M's wrists.

"Evelyn, I'm sorry. Look, I just..." Hurt was etching Josie's face now. "You almost died...not recently, but that one mission when you were in your forties. I thought you were going to die, and that it was my fault for letting you get caught up in MI6..."

M rolled her eyes, though secretly what Josephine was saying had a meaning. "I'm fine. But you need to let me get on with my own life."


	22. Any Better Ideas?

**Sorry for the slight wait! Hope you enjoy this - those who were looking forward to the wedding ; that focus starts here! (Oh, and for any confusion this may have caused, this is only set about a week after chapter 18, so James is kind of still recovering from his 'accident')**

* * *

"Josie, look, sorry this is so abrupt, but I must say it's your own fault, but I'm going to have to go. Two things; first of all, you need to let me have my own life, even though it may not be one that you'd choose for yourself. Secondly, phone next time." As she stared at her somewhat feisty younger sister, Josephine really couldn't ignore the perfect opportunity to annoy her a bit.

"Oh, you know that I think those mobile phone thingies rot your brain."

"Josephine, stop acting your age, it's embarrassing for both of us and it doesn't suit you."

* * *

M walked back into the stairwell a few minutes after Josephine had left to find James sitting on one of the bottom stairs, plastered leg sticking out somewhat awkwardly in front of him and a twin curled up on either side of him. "How did that go?"

"Well, we shouted at each other for a bit, I started crying, she started crying then we kind of made up and she left because I realized that Mallory would probably have my guts for garters if I didn't hurry up and go to work."

"Sounds like fun," James remarked. "And I take it I'm stuck here as per usual. What the hell am I actually meant to do with the kids anyway?"

"I don't know, just keep them alive, please. By the looks of things, you're stuck there for a while because I think they might be asleep."

James rolled his eyes at this one. "Well, my arse's gone numb anyway. And I'm pretty sure the pair of them'll blow up if they're stuck in the house with me again. Can I not call Vivian?" He looked up at her with childlike pleading in his eyes.

"Over. My. Dead. Body. You haven't had to clean up the mess that her, Andrew and Marion make every time she comes in here once. Last time I left her to her own devices, she let the kids watch The Woman In Black and they didn't sleep for a week after that one."

"Could have been worse; you could have had a repeat of the Les Miserables episode. And I didn't mean have her over here looking after the pair of them, I meant let her take them out and me go back to bed."

M sighed through her teeth. "Fine, but on your head be it."

* * *

"Right, Vivian, you know the rules. No inappropriate movies. No letting Marion make herself up as Madame Thenardier. Don't let either of them eat excessive amounts of rubbish. Don't- wait, are you doing a musical at the moment?"

"Two actually. My drama group's going on tour, and in three weeks I'm Frenchy from Grease at the Alhambra in Dunfermline, Scotland and the school thing went really well so we're doing full-scale Les Mis - I'm Jean Valjean this time, so you should be okay with that one."

"If you have to show them Grease then you can, but you know to avoid Les Mis from experience. Keep them alive, don't do anything stupid and be back by five, okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	23. Under Your Skin

**Okay, I need to get this rant out of the way before I kill someone. dhh; You say you like and read slash and mpreg - the latter is no more possible than this. And M/Bond works far better than 00Q thankyouverymuch. If you don't like the fic; that's your problem not mine so just stop reading and leave well enough alone. I don't know why you feel the need to tell me that it makes you feel sick, because one flamey review won't make me discontinue or delete. There are plenty of people who like the notion of 00M; ask RebaForever15, liz1967, LtCmdrLaverneMarie or Telanu to name but a few if you don't believe me. Now piss off and let me get on with this for those who enjoy it.**

**Sorry for that, guys. I just had to get that out of my system.**

* * *

"Are we nearly there yet?"

"No."

"How far are we?"

"Slightly closer than we were the last time you asked." Vivian stuck her headphone back into her ear following another repeat of Marion's 'are we there yet?' spiel. When M had asked her to take the kids out for the day, she really didn't know what crazy part of her had decided that taking them shopping was a good idea, but it was a bit late now as she really wasn't going endure any longer than she had to, so regardless of whether or not letting them loose in the Bluewater shopping mall was a good idea, she was going to have to grin and bear it. How the hell M put up with the pair of them she had no idea whatsoever, but they were driving her up the wall right now, and the trio had only been on the Tube for about ten minutes. She pressed play on her iPhone again, but just as The Harlem Shake started up in her Beats earbuds again, Andrew, following charging about like an absolute lunatic and generally wreaking the kind of havoc that only he could, tugged one out again.

"Vivian? I need a wee!"

"Well, hold it in, matie, we're nearly there."

"But you just said-"

"I know what I said, Marie, but-" Vivian was cut off as she pulled the pair of them onto her lap by the robotic monotone announcing stops.

"We are now approaching Holborn Tube Station."

"Thank GOD!"

* * *

"Vivian, hi, em, where are you?...yes...okay, I know, but am I not allowed to worry at all?...No, I actually don't trust you that much, but after the 'The Woman in Black' episode, I think I'm allowed to...Right...You're right, what could possibly go wrong?...Okay...Okay...Bye, darling." M hung up her mobile phone and then went back to messing about with the paperwork she was meant to be doing in a botched attempt at looking as if she was actually doing something. Tanner couldn't help but notice how tense she actually was.

"M... are you sure you're okay?"

"Tanner, I... It's nothing; just me being paranoid."

"M, I understand. Look, the kids are at an awkward stage at the moment so it's not going to be fun for James or whoever's looking after them, but-"

"No, not about them. Well, actually, yes, in a sense. It's - This morning my older sister kind of dropped in off-hand, and we don't really get on that well; she's a virtuous prig and I'm just kind of me trying to hold down a position of high power in a man's world. She explainably hit the roof and all four walls when she found out about James and the kids, and it's...something she said, I just can't stop thinking about it. She for some reason decided to point out the fact that because I'm older, I probably won't see either of them older than twenty-one and... Bill, I lost both of my parents when I was twelve, and I don't want that to happen to Andrew or Marion and I just..." She rested her head on her folded arms, and Bill watched her shake with silent sobs.

"M, it'll be fine. You've done nothing wrong; she was just trying to get to you, so stop worrying."

"What are you, some kind of human agony aunt column?"

"I suppose so, yes."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	24. Planning

**Right, we're going to catch up with Vivian and the kids in the next chapter. In the meantime, hope you enjoy this! **

* * *

"You're back early," James didn't have to look round to notice M coming in the door and abandoning most of her stuff in the middle of the floor.

"I know. I was meant to have some kind of meeting with Mallory about this retirement thing, so I made up some nonsense about having a migraine and let myself out before anyone could ask questions," M sighed, rolling her pale cobalt eyes as she stood by the drinks cabinet. "You want anything?"

"Not really, no."

"Strange," M quipped, downing just about all of the Macallan in her tumbler in a oner.

"Shut up!" James aimed a half-hearted, jokey slap at her as she sat down. 'You know that you're not going to be able to keep making excuses about these meetings? I mean, first you're pregnant, then you break your wrist and for the past five you've had some kind of recurring migraine from hell; if you ask me, you're running out of excuses."

"Well, in my own defense, the first two are pretty hard to fake and the second time I pulled migraine it was true."

"No it wasn't; you came home and did pretty much what you're doing now."

"You weren't the one who'd been up all night with Andrew and Marion, you don't know how that felt. Anyway, how's your day been?"

"Well, I went back to bed when you left, woke up at half past twelve, tried and failed rather miserably to make breakfast - you might want to replace the batteries in the smoke alarm by the way - then I've basically been lying about here for ages doing absolutely nothing."

"Glad you enjoyed yourself," M said dryly. "Next time you go on a mission, I'll remind the local authorities to paint 'look left/look right' on the roadsides. You know, I've been thinking-"

"Last time you said that, you were trying to convince me to sell the Aston."

"No, this is about the wedding. Between you deciding to get run over, the kids and MI6, we've barely put any thought into it. We're going to have to establish who we're inviting, who's doing what, where we're having it and what you're wearing, because no, all of your dreadful tuxedos will not be fine."

"What about you?"

"Well, my half of things has been sorted out already. I've decided that I'm going to ask Eve to be my maid of honor, Vivian and Harriet - my granddaughters - to be bridesmaids and Marion actually asked me if she could be a flower girl last time I talked to her about it. The lot of us are going dress shopping next weekend."

"Oh, God, judging by how long it takes you to buy a pair of shoes I can't even begin to imagine how long bloody wedding dresses are going to take!"

"Don't get your knickers in a bunch, you don't have to come. Look, with regards to who you want there, could you please say something?"

"Is this stuff like best man et cetera?"

"Yes."

"Right... What about Bill?"

"Well, about that..." M looked a little embarrassed at this. "I was thinking about asking Bill to give me away. I mean, all he's done for me over the years, willing to ignore the Evil Queen of Numbers thing, I think that he's the only person I could ask."

James pulled her into an embrace, smiling. "Okay, how do I find that so bloody cute? Well, I don't think that I've let myself get attached enough to anyone...anyone else, except..."

"Who?"

"Q," James muttered, turning red.

"Well, Q it is then. We're going to have to ask everyone, and then there's guest lists..."

"That bit's pips. All we need to do is invite everyone in MI6 that you're willing to have there, all your children and that dreadful older sister of yours."

M snorted. "Well, that was bad planning, telling Josephine about the wedding. You've missed out one person; Kincaid."

"What?"

"James, I suppose he's as close to family as you have left, and a combination of you and him are the only reason I'm still alive. And on the subject, we need to think of venues. I was thinking somewhere in Scotland, maybe - if the next thing you say is the Skyfall chapel, I'll kill you."

"No, I wasn't going to say that. I can't think of anywhere el... Wait a minute, Achmore!"

"What?"

"My parents had a second lodge on Skye called Achmore. It was sold out and turned into a hotel years ago, but they do weddings."

"Perfect."

* * *

_The wedding celebration of  
Emma Jacqueline Mawdsley, MBE  
And  
James Andrew Bond_

_Achmore Lodge Hotel  
Skye_

_Best Man... Quinn Bonham-Carter  
Maid of Honor... Eve Moneypenny  
Bridesmaids... Vivian and Harriet Mason  
Flower Girl... Marion Bond  
Pageboy... Andrew Bond_


	25. Shame on M

A/N- Sorry for the gap between updates; I kind of got stuck, but I'm back on track, I promise!

* * *

Before M got the opportunity to say anything else, she heard the door open followed by the whirlwind of crazy that was A&M charging in and Vivian leaning against the doorframe.

"Jesus Christ, that was bloody exhausting! Gran, how the hell do you actually deal with them full-time?"

"With great difficulty and a lot of Scotch. I'm not going to ask you what you did, because knowing you, you went and did something stupid that would almost definitely earn you a punch in the face if I were to hear it from you. For your own personal safety, I suggest you leave now."

Vivian waved, a cocky smile on her face, before walking out. It appeared evident that Andrew had turned the TV on, as at that point James muttered rather irritatedly; "How the hell did this gobshite get on the television?"

"James, not in front of the kids," M hastily turned off the episode of Transformers Prime that would almost certainly cause intolerable whinging from both Marion and James before standing to refill her glass.

"Actually, that Macallan isn't looking too bad right now."

"Single or double?"

"Make it a bloody double, I think we'll both need it."

"I don't think that entire bottle would be enough if you ask me," M sat down again before rolling he eyes and turning to the twins. "So, how was your day?"

"Well," Marion started off, clearly absolutely hyper judging by her seeming inability to sit still. "We went to the shops on a train, then we had lunch and then we went back to Vivian's house, and she showed us this movie about a man who lived with a big teddy...I think it was called Bob?"

"Ted?" M enquired with growing fear.

"Yeah, that one," Andrew spoke now, though soon after he and Marion started doing their creepy twin thing of speaking simultaneously. "And Vivian let me put sugar in my Coke and now I feel all zingy-zangy-zongy!"

"Zingy-zangy-zongy?" James looked rather worried now, and it appeared that Andrew's eyes were about the size of saucers.

"I feel like lightning!"

"Oh good god!" M face-palmed, groaning. "I suppose shame on me though; I should've known how bad Vivian actually is at looking after small children. You two, bed."

"But it's only five o'clock!"

"And we haven't had dinner!"

"Oh, sorry. Right, go to your room and play for a bit then," M sighed as the pair ran off, Andrew careening into a wall, though seconds later he got up again, shouting "I'm okay!"

"Honest to god!" M sighed again. "Note to self; never again let Viv take care of the kids."

"You got that right."

* * *

"Andy? I don't think that Mummy was very happy with you for the coke thing," Marion was lying hanging over the side of her bed, her black hair falling into her face.

"Rubbish," Andrew muttered, launching a Spider-Man action figure at the wall before picking up a purple Ny Little Pony and flinging it at Marion's face. "Do you wanna play Rarity vs. Bulkhead now?"

* * *

A/N - Okay, hope you enjoyed that :-) Next time we see our friend the 'sexist misogynist dinosaur' he's gonna be minus broken leg, so that'll be good. And yes, I did pinch a few lines from Outnumbered; brownie points to whoever can spot them :D


	26. Why Now?

**This chapter's gonna be a serious quickie; I just wanted all of you to know I'm still alive**** . Here; ****Andrew asks a very awkward question. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Daddy? Where do babies come from?" The three year old sat on the bathroom floor, either not having noticed where James actually was or childishly oblivious to the fact.

"Andy? I'm in the shower." James rolled his eyes. Whenever Andrew deemed it a fit time for a father/son heart-to-heart, James himself always seemed to be either in the bath or shower, on the toilet or asleep.

"I know. Now answer my question."

"No, what I mean is I'm in the shower right now; I'll answer it later," James looked through the misted glass of the shower cubicle to notice Andrew standing up and padding towards the toilet. "Oh, christ, don't you dare-" But it was too late by then. James heard the toilet flush, followed by a drenching cascade of scalding water droplets against his skin. Instinctively jumping out, resisting the urge to scream, James hastily wrapped a towel around his midriff before standing sopping wet in the middle of the floor, glaring daggers at his son.

"You're not in the shower any more. Now answer the question."


	27. Chapter 27: What Happens

**Okay, I decided that instead of sitting watching PewDiePie and reading Wreck-It Ralph fluff all morning, I should do something a bit more productive. Here you go! **

* * *

"So, what happens?"

"Well..." James was sitting wringing his hands awkwardly, Andrew perched in front of him on the coffee table. "When a man and a woman really love each other, they can have a sort of...special cuddle, and...well, sometimes the lady can have a baby afterwards..."

"But the man can't?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"What, you're not wanting to have a baby, are you?"

"No!" Andrew gasped indignantly, pouting. "I just want to know!"

"Well, men don't have the right...equipment."

"Does the lady have the baby straight away, and everything goes all over the place?"

"No, it takes a little while for the baby to be made and then born..." James screwed up his face slightly, trying to figure out how Andrew had managed to come out with the last bit. "Wait...you've been watching One Born Every Minute again, haven't you?"

"No," Andrew giggled sheepishly.

"I really need your mum to put a parental lock on the Sky box," James muttered. "Look, if you shut up now and don't say anything about this to your mum, I'll let you go in the Aston Martin."

* * *

"Mummy, can I ask a question?"

"You just did."

"No, another one."

"Oh for god's sake, Marie, I've told you before. When a man and a woman are very much in love-"

"Not that one!" Marion giggled, picking up a Lady GaGa album and chucking it into the trolley from where she was sitting in it. She and M had been in the supermarket for the best part of an hour, M having just realized that other than some mouldy squirty cream and some lettuce, there was pretty much no other food in the house, but still weren't finished on account of Marion's irritating habit of picking up whatever random crap took her interest and putting it in with the stuff they actually needed. "When are you and Daddy going to get married?"

"Soon," M muttered, investigating a shelf of blonde hair colour.

"You don't need that," Marion pointed out, eyeing the box in M's hand. "You look fine."

"You're right," M sighed, wondering why she was taking fashion advice from a three-year old.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	28. Chapter 28: She Always Comes Back

"James, you do realise that Andrew's going to ask what the hell a 'special cuddle' is at some stage?" M looked up from her copy of Pride and Prejudice as she thought back to earlier in the day.

"I know, but I wasn't in the position to give a Facts of Life lesson to a three year old. And how on earth did he learn that flushing the loo makes the shower go absolutely scalding?"

"From watching Garfield, I suppose," M sighed, rubbing at a gluey eye as she set down her book and flicked out her bedside lamp. "James, honest question; if you didn't know that Josephine and I were related, do you think you'd think we were actually sisters?"

"Probably not. Why are you asking me this?"

"I'm not sure, just...because. Jesus, I'm absolutely bloody exhausted," M said through a yawn as she light-heartedly pummelled James in the stomach with her pillow in an attempt to get him to turn off the light.

"Oi, geddoff!"

"Then go to sleep!"

* * *

Two weeks later, with James on a mission and M having arranged to go shopping with Eve, Hattie and Vivian for certain wedding attire, Q - or to put it another way, Quinn Mawdsley (a name he hated as it made him sound like some kind of cartoon character,) M's son - found himself taking on his hardest challenge yet. Okay, he had guided agents who thought they could walk straight through hell with a smile out of impossible heaps of shit, but through reports from his niece, sisters, mother and James (thinking of him as his soon-to-be stepfather was pretty awkward) this would be harder.

Looking after Andrew and Marion. For a whole day.

"The Woman in Black!" The response to Q asking the pair what movie they wanted to watch was both simultaneous and hugely worrying.

"What? Who's let you watch that before?"

"Auntie Vivian. One time when we were at her house she-" Marion started.

"Let us watch it. It isn't really scary," Andrew finished his twin's sentence within a few seconds of it leaving her lips.

"If you say so," Q sighed. He remembered too late what M had said.

"If Vivian lets them do it, you probably shouldn't."

* * *

About half an hour later, Andrew and Marion were parked side-by-side on the sofa, eating their way through the popcorn Q had microwaved and burned all but to a crisp, and Q himself...Well, Q was hiding behind a cushion, screaming at literally every little noise or sound.

"Why are you so scared? It's not like-"

"It's that scary!"

"How can you not be scared at that! I mean, look! Children setting themselves on fire and drinking lye and my God, it's horrible!"

The twins just laughed at him, Andrew playfully batting Q's glasses off of his nose, and went back to their movie. All Q hoped was that M would return from work soon, because he was sure that between horror movie and the day in general, he was going to end up with PTSD.


	29. A Faceful of Wee

"Sorry I'm late back - Mallory doesn't half bang on in a crisis - have you been behaving?" M was hardly two steps in the door when Marion latched herself onto her mum's legs.

"No, they most certainly haven't," at that point, Q stuck his head round the bathroom door, a naked-from-the-waist-down Andrew hanging off his hips. The quartermaster had some kind of wet stuff dripping off his glasses and an enormous damp stain on his navy blue cardigan. "Never again, Mum, never again."

"My god," M laughed. "What happened to you?"

"A faceful of wee is no more pleasant than it sounds," Q drawled. "Don't tell me that I was like this when I was younger, please."

"Oh, don't worry, you weren't. This is entirely James's blood; none of your sisters nor you were like this at any stage. Seriously, how did Andrew wee on your face?"

"It was Marion actually," Q rolled his eyes. "I was holding her upside down and tickling her, then next thing I knew she'd pissed all over the shop."

"So you've had fun then?"

"Well, I had to watch The Woman in Black, Andrew spilled blackcurrant squash all over my computer and Marion weed on me. In all, I think a Glasgow Smile would have been more painless."


End file.
